Cannibalized Photography
NIONEJIOERJOWIROIFJ

"Do you turn to lower companions or an inferior environment when drinking?"

Interesting question. Is this why I am so tolerant of everyone elses problems, or am I just understanding and tolerant in general, with no relation to my history of drinking? Currently I am improving, as of the past several weeks, without me caring or even trying to stop. I’m just bored of it, and I only drink sparingly now as to not get too sick from cold turkey. I have been noticing I have less tolerance for people’s bullshit now, not that I am ever very tolerant of bullshit, but in regards to other people I know with addictions, I am. There are no excuses for anyone to treat me like garbage, whether they have an addiction or not. Being an addict myself may make me make excuses for people in my life, and tolerate them more than I should. But, personally, I can only accept an addict as they are if the addict is willing to admit to their problems and their faults and their mistakes (as I do/have). If there is denial and aggression without provocation towards me (note: without apologies!), and I still make excuses for them because they also have some sort of crutch, of sorts, I’m just lying to myself about more things than can possibly be expressed; because I feel as if I can relate or sympathize or help them, I suppose. My lack of drinking has led to much insomnia (as per usual), and I have also stopped my medication suddenly, so I don’t know if this even makes sense. I just keep being stupid, forgiving and forgiving and forgiving. The nice addict doesn’t last forever, in this scenario. My tolerance for forgiving and my own personal denial of truth must appear as weakness. I do tolerate everyone’s choices in life and I don’t judge anyone for them, but I can’t tolerate my own idiocy if their choices result in perpetual cruelty and drama towards me and nothing but their denial and lack of compassion during and after the fact. We all make mistakes, we all have our problems, and we all deal with them differently. I just don’t know why I constantly sympathize with people or situations that always inevitably make me feel like shit. I’ve come to realize it, and I like to think I am getting over it.

"The realization of ignorance is the first act of knowing."